Women vs. Women: When Will It End?

(NOTE: This post is a half re-post from a piece I wrote earlier this year in May. I just wanted to add in a few other things, and thought it was perfect timing, what with all the nonsense going on about the VS Fashion Show.)

And so begins another rant, prompted by stumbling upon day-to-day interactions between women on social media websites (not surprisingly). Distasteful ones, I might add.

What is it with women and wanting to put other women down?

Humans are comparative by nature. However, women are particularly insane in this regard.

One of the better comments I read on Facebook in regards to women’s aggression towards one another is worth a re-post:

“It is true that we evolved to where we are today from from physical creatures whose every action was meant to increase chances of survival, but as we evolve as a species we are able to reject our baser survival instincts which no longer serve a purpose. Evolution means change after all.”

– Jesse Bruni

The man hit the nail on the head. These instincts no longer serve a purpose outside of stroking our own ego. I’m truly sick of the snarky comments and catty attitudes – most of which are stemming from a severe lack of self-confidence and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. When you cannot or will not source the problem, the easiest solution is taking it out on something or somebody else; in this case, other women.

“Real women have curves! Skinny women look like bags of bones.”

“I love my curves – shove it, you skinny bitches!”

“They all look like walking toothpics.”

“They all look so unhealthy.”

“Ew, are you kidding me? She’s so thin. I like having extra meat, I don’t want to look like a stick figure!”

Shut the fuck up.

She looks beautiful and healthy to me!!

source

Every woman has said something like this. Either in relation to smaller women, or larger women. I am also guilty of this (hey, it would be wrong to say that I have never spoken negatively before) But all this kind of attitude does is boost your own ego, however temporarily, and makes you feel better by trying to make other people look worse than you.

This is terribly, terribly wrong. And selfish. And ironic. Seeing as by uplifting your curvy stature you are attempting to fight against negative outside influences (i.e. media pressure), yet your way of doing so is by doing precisely the same thing the media does, only reversed.

Stop to think about what you are actually saying when you define somebody as a “real” woman. What constitutes “real”?

Would you ever tell a woman who has had a double mastectomy that she is not a “real woman”? Would you ever tell a woman who could not have children that she was not a “real woman”?

No.

So why would you tell a slimmer woman that she is not a real woman?

Boobs are gone. Cancer = beat. Is she not a “real woman” anymore?

You know what makes a woman “real”? Being born with a fucking vagina. If there is no penis between her legs when she is born, she is a real woman.

Well. With the exclusion of some rather complicated intersex conditions. But you get the point.

The point is: get over yourself.

Lawd have mercy.

Not everybody has the same genetic make-up. Some women are just naturally on the smaller side. This doesn’t make them any less of a woman. But it makes YOU less of a lady by trying to make her feel inadequate. Everyone has their own battles to fight. Why kick someone when they are already down?

No woman anywhere likes to be put down. Period. Fat, curvy, skinny, fit, what have you. No woman likes to be told that they are not a woman because they do not have certain attributes.

We always complain about the pressure of the media that we face on a daily basis. And I get it. Fashion magazines, music videos, celebrities, etc. all give off the impression that skinny is beautiful. The media tends to look down upon women of different weights and proportions, which is why a lot of women who have a little extra meat are fighting back.

But since when has encouraging other women to love and embrace their bodies been a case of telling other women that they are “twigs” and “not real women” ?

How can you honestly feel good about encouraging women to love themselves and embrace their shape if you are putting down others who have a different shape from yours?

Ridiculous.

“BUT CHRISTINE!” they say. “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!”

I realize that some young girls may feel a little insecure if they do not look the same as the models. But truthfully, it’s really not these ladies’ fault that girls feel insecure. The women may be a trigger, but the trigger is not the cause. It is a very deep-rooted psychological issue that needs to be addressed through therapy and positive reinforcement – NOT through condemning women who are naturally thin. It is YOUR job as a parent, sister, aunt, whatever, to be a positive role model. It is YOUR job to raise your child with confidence and strength to the best of your ability. You should not have to demand that other women to stop doing what they do so that your children can feel better about themselves. You need to raise your children with the knowledge that they are beautiful, no matter what.

Don’t you think that women who are slimmer feel bad about their bodies sometimes? Don’t you think that they also need encouragement to love and embrace their bodies as well? How would it make you feel if you knew that the girl you called a “little boy” killed herself from all of the negativity she received in regards to her body shape, and from her low self-esteem?

Don’t act like that shit doesn’t happen.

What if it was YOUR little girl? What if you had a daughter who was genetically thin, who got picked on for her size? You might have a tough time explaining to her why you were so negative about other girls with the same body type. Would you allow others to mock her for her size, or would you stand up for her and let her know that she is beautiful?

Would you ever call your child “disgusting”?

Would you ever say to your child that she was “ugly”, and that she didn’t look like a woman because she was not shaped a certain way?

We need to be more positive. There is enough outside negativity as is without us adding more fuel to the fire. It’s not just about teaching curvy women to embrace their frames. It’s about teaching ALL women EVERYWHERE to accept and appreciate their bodies, and not down-talk themselves.

We need to encourage women to be HEALTHY and to be free of mental and physical self-inflicted abuse. Not send out negative vibes. The media does a good enough job at that already, and when you say these things to these other women, you are doing EXACTLY the same thing as the “fat-shaming” media that you hate oh-so-much.

You cannot encourage self-love through degradation of others.

So stop it with all this “real women have curves” bullshit. There is no reason to be enemies with someone because they are different. Learning to be supportive of others is  how you will find your own peace.

Spread love. Let go.

The Power of Negative Influence

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.” – Ghandi

We learn through demonstration.

Every act of malice.

Every ill-spoken word.

Every blatant display of mistrust and betrayal.

And we are creatures of habit.

We absorb, but we also implement. For every lie we are exposed to, we speak another, for we know its power over those we intend to manipulate. For every word we hear spoken in hatred, we use again to bring down those we dislike for reasons that have to do with our own self-assurance. Our words can bring about new life, or cut a current one into the ground. We fertilize and repair, or we tear down and allow our own self-hatred to get the better of us. And what we choose to pass on can directly influence the energy and attitude of those around us, as well as our own.

Our outward presence and treatment of others is a direct display of our inner confidence.

We cannot bring someone down unless we are first on the ground ourselves. We cannot lift someone up if we are not already up in spirits. Likewise, we speak badly of others when we feel badly of ourselves. And we speak kindly of others when we value ourselves.

Considering this, how can we expect our future – that is to say, our sons and daughters – to grow into the kinds of people suitable for keeping the earth alive, if we cannot teach them through proper demonstration of what should be considered redeemable qualities?

Those who influence us the most influence our habits. Our thoughts are formed through repetitive engraving of old words passed on, and experiences in our most impressionable years.

It is through these countless demonstrations that we form our moral fibre. And it is with the absorbability of our minds that we might also reverse our poor habits and exchange them for better thoughts and actions. The mind is an amazing thing. While certain things cannot be unlearned, they can be counterbalanced with enough positive reinforcement.

Remove bad influences from your life. Let go of negative people, and surround yourself with those who lift you and others around them up. Submerge yourself in the good so that you will be able to pass on that goodness to others. Realize that a poor attitude only prevents you from experiencing all the good in life. There is no reason to settle for cynicism.

Positive thoughts equate positive actions. Dedicate time each day to improving the way you think, and be mindful of the words you choose to say. We only get one try at a first impression. The negative ones last a lifetime.