Women vs. Women: When Will It End?

(NOTE: This post is a half re-post from a piece I wrote earlier this year in May. I just wanted to add in a few other things, and thought it was perfect timing, what with all the nonsense going on about the VS Fashion Show.)

And so begins another rant, prompted by stumbling upon day-to-day interactions between women on social media websites (not surprisingly). Distasteful ones, I might add.

What is it with women and wanting to put other women down?

Humans are comparative by nature. However, women are particularly insane in this regard.

One of the better comments I read on Facebook in regards to women’s aggression towards one another is worth a re-post:

“It is true that we evolved to where we are today from from physical creatures whose every action was meant to increase chances of survival, but as we evolve as a species we are able to reject our baser survival instincts which no longer serve a purpose. Evolution means change after all.”

– Jesse Bruni

The man hit the nail on the head. These instincts no longer serve a purpose outside of stroking our own ego. I’m truly sick of the snarky comments and catty attitudes – most of which are stemming from a severe lack of self-confidence and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. When you cannot or will not source the problem, the easiest solution is taking it out on something or somebody else; in this case, other women.

“Real women have curves! Skinny women look like bags of bones.”

“I love my curves – shove it, you skinny bitches!”

“They all look like walking toothpics.”

“They all look so unhealthy.”

“Ew, are you kidding me? She’s so thin. I like having extra meat, I don’t want to look like a stick figure!”

Shut the fuck up.

She looks beautiful and healthy to me!!

source

Every woman has said something like this. Either in relation to smaller women, or larger women. I am also guilty of this (hey, it would be wrong to say that I have never spoken negatively before) But all this kind of attitude does is boost your own ego, however temporarily, and makes you feel better by trying to make other people look worse than you.

This is terribly, terribly wrong. And selfish. And ironic. Seeing as by uplifting your curvy stature you are attempting to fight against negative outside influences (i.e. media pressure), yet your way of doing so is by doing precisely the same thing the media does, only reversed.

Stop to think about what you are actually saying when you define somebody as a “real” woman. What constitutes “real”?

Would you ever tell a woman who has had a double mastectomy that she is not a “real woman”? Would you ever tell a woman who could not have children that she was not a “real woman”?

No.

So why would you tell a slimmer woman that she is not a real woman?

Boobs are gone. Cancer = beat. Is she not a “real woman” anymore?

You know what makes a woman “real”? Being born with a fucking vagina. If there is no penis between her legs when she is born, she is a real woman.

Well. With the exclusion of some rather complicated intersex conditions. But you get the point.

The point is: get over yourself.

Lawd have mercy.

Not everybody has the same genetic make-up. Some women are just naturally on the smaller side. This doesn’t make them any less of a woman. But it makes YOU less of a lady by trying to make her feel inadequate. Everyone has their own battles to fight. Why kick someone when they are already down?

No woman anywhere likes to be put down. Period. Fat, curvy, skinny, fit, what have you. No woman likes to be told that they are not a woman because they do not have certain attributes.

We always complain about the pressure of the media that we face on a daily basis. And I get it. Fashion magazines, music videos, celebrities, etc. all give off the impression that skinny is beautiful. The media tends to look down upon women of different weights and proportions, which is why a lot of women who have a little extra meat are fighting back.

But since when has encouraging other women to love and embrace their bodies been a case of telling other women that they are “twigs” and “not real women” ?

How can you honestly feel good about encouraging women to love themselves and embrace their shape if you are putting down others who have a different shape from yours?

Ridiculous.

“BUT CHRISTINE!” they say. “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!”

I realize that some young girls may feel a little insecure if they do not look the same as the models. But truthfully, it’s really not these ladies’ fault that girls feel insecure. The women may be a trigger, but the trigger is not the cause. It is a very deep-rooted psychological issue that needs to be addressed through therapy and positive reinforcement – NOT through condemning women who are naturally thin. It is YOUR job as a parent, sister, aunt, whatever, to be a positive role model. It is YOUR job to raise your child with confidence and strength to the best of your ability. You should not have to demand that other women to stop doing what they do so that your children can feel better about themselves. You need to raise your children with the knowledge that they are beautiful, no matter what.

Don’t you think that women who are slimmer feel bad about their bodies sometimes? Don’t you think that they also need encouragement to love and embrace their bodies as well? How would it make you feel if you knew that the girl you called a “little boy” killed herself from all of the negativity she received in regards to her body shape, and from her low self-esteem?

Don’t act like that shit doesn’t happen.

What if it was YOUR little girl? What if you had a daughter who was genetically thin, who got picked on for her size? You might have a tough time explaining to her why you were so negative about other girls with the same body type. Would you allow others to mock her for her size, or would you stand up for her and let her know that she is beautiful?

Would you ever call your child “disgusting”?

Would you ever say to your child that she was “ugly”, and that she didn’t look like a woman because she was not shaped a certain way?

We need to be more positive. There is enough outside negativity as is without us adding more fuel to the fire. It’s not just about teaching curvy women to embrace their frames. It’s about teaching ALL women EVERYWHERE to accept and appreciate their bodies, and not down-talk themselves.

We need to encourage women to be HEALTHY and to be free of mental and physical self-inflicted abuse. Not send out negative vibes. The media does a good enough job at that already, and when you say these things to these other women, you are doing EXACTLY the same thing as the “fat-shaming” media that you hate oh-so-much.

You cannot encourage self-love through degradation of others.

So stop it with all this “real women have curves” bullshit. There is no reason to be enemies with someone because they are different. Learning to be supportive of others is  how you will find your own peace.

Spread love. Let go.

Women vs. Women: When Will It End?

And so begins another rant, prompted by stumbling upon day-to-day interractions between women on social media websites (not surprisingly). Distasteful ones, I might add.

What is it with women and wanting to put other women down?

Humans are comparative by nature. However, women are particularly insane in this regard.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a misogynist. I am just tired of the snarky comments and catty attitudes – most of which are stemming from a severe lack of self-confidence and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. When you cannot or will not source the problem, the easiest solution is taking it out on something or somebody else; in this case, other women.

“Real women have curves! Skinny women look like bags of bones.”

“I love my curves – shove it, you skinny bitches!”

“Ew, are you kidding me? She’s so thin. I like having extra meat, I don’t want to look like a stick figure!”

Shut the fuck up.

I love Miranda Kerr. Even if she doesn’t squat or deadlift.

Every woman has said something like this. Either in relation to smaller women, or larger women. I am also guilty of this (hey, it would be wrong to say that I have never spoken negatively before) But all this kind of attitude does is boost your own ego, however temporarily, and makes you feel better by trying to make other people look worse than you.

This is terribly, terribly wrong. And selfish. And ironic. Seeing as by uplifting your curvy stature you are attempting to fight against negative outside influences (i.e. media pressure), yet your way of doing so is by doing precisely the same thing the media does, only reversed.

Stop to think about what you are actually saying when you define somebody as a “real” woman. What constitutes “real”?

Would you ever tell a woman who has had a double mastectomy that she is not a “real woman”? Would you ever tell a woman who could not have children that she was not a “real woman”?

No.

So why would you tell a slimmer woman that she is not a real woman?

Boobs are gone. Cancer = beat. Is she not a “real woman” anymore?

You know what makes a woman “real”? Being born with a fucking vagina. If there is no penis between her legs when she is born, she is a real woman.

Get over yourself.

Lawd have mercy.

(Note: This is of course excluding the wide variety of intersex conditions that may occur at birth, though more rare of course – congenital adrenal hyperplasia, or androgen sensitivity syndrome for example. That is a different story for a different day though. You get the point.) 

Not everybody has the same genetic make-up. Some women are just naturally on the smaller side. This doesn’t make them any less of a woman. But it makes YOU less of a lady by trying to make her feel inadequate. Everyone has their own battles to fight. Why kick someone when they are already down?

No woman anywhere likes to be put down. Period. Fat, curvy, skinny, fit, what have you. No woman likes to be told that they are not a woman because they do not have certain attributes.

We always complain about the pressure of the media that we face on a daily basis. And I get it. Fashion magazines, music videos, celebrities, etc. all give off the impression that skinny is beautiful. The media tends to look down upon women of different weights and proportions, which is why a lot of women who have a little extra meat are fighting back.

But since when has encouraging other women to love and embrace their bodies been a case of telling other women that they are “twigs” and “not real women” ?

How can you honestly feel good about encouraging women to love themselves and embrace their shape if you are putting down others who have a different shape from yours?

This is the most retarded thing I have ever read.

Do you think that women who are slimmer don’t ever feel bad about their bodies? Do you not think that they need encouragement to love and embrace their bodies as well? How would it make you feel if you knew that the girl you called a “little boy” killed herself from all of the negativity she received in regards to her body shape, and from her low self-esteem?

Don’t act like that shit doesn’t happen.

We need to be more positive. There is enough outside negativity as is without us adding more fuel to the fire. It’s not just about teaching curvy women to embrace their frames. It’s about teaching ALL women EVERYWHERE to accept and appreciate their bodies, and not down-talk themselves.

We need to encourage women to be HEALTHY and to be free of mental and physical self-inflicted abuse. Not send out negative vibes. The media does a good enough job at that already, and when you say these things to these other women, you are doing EXACTLY the same thing as the “fat-shaming” media that you hate oh-so-much.

You cannot encourage self-love through degradation of others.

So stop it with all this “real women have curves” bullshit. There is no reason to be enemies with someone because they are different. Learning to be supportive of others is  how you will find your own peace.

Spread the love, yo.

Insecurity: The Bread and Butter of The “Fitness”, Beauty, and Fashion Industry

They say you will be your best self. Your most confident self. You will be light as a feather. Sexier. More successful.

But at what cost?

It’s difficult enough for us to believe in ourselves and exude confidence without someone else shoving their unrealistic and money-driven viewpoints down our throats like cough medicine for a sick baby. We are told that no matter what we do to better ourselves, we always need to do more. Our best is never enough.

There is a pill, powder, clothing article, shoe, cream, and drink for every one of our “imperfections”. Something to hide behind. Something that tricks ourselves into believing that we are improving something.

But improving what exactly?

Every appearance-targeted industry knows that there is no such thing as perfection. But they will always tell you that there is. Or at the very least, convince you that you need what they have to offer in order to feel good about yourself, or to look better. They will feed lies to you until you are sitting in front of a pile full of things to hide yourself, wondering where your parents went wrong and what your mom must have been smoking when they made you.

Listen to me. Beauty comes from the inside. Call it cliche if you will. But the only way to feel good about yourself on the outside is to feel good about yourself on the inside. At the end of the day, confidence comes from self-acceptance. Striving for improvement is one thing, but striving to be different due to a lack of appreciation for the person you are is nothing short of destructive.

Stop putting money into the pockets of those who tell you that you aren’t good enough. Save it for building upon the things that lift your spirits and strengthen your self-confidence.

FILL IN THE BLANK: I could afford to cut __________ out of my life to help me focus on what is really important.

Go!!

Fighting Insecurity With Perspective

Let me tell you a little something about insecurity.

It hurts. It’ll eat you alive if you let it. And after battling with severe insecurity issues for 13 years of my life, I can tell you now that it’s a disease, and an infectious one at that. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that your insecurities are your own battle to fight. Insecurity affects everyone around you, but especially those who are close to you.

The cycles of negativity we get ourselves into are tremendously destructive. We all have a PhD in defeatism, and thrive off of the abuse we inflict on our minds and bodies – always searching, but never really finding what it is we’re going after. The problem is that we are too often chasing perfection rather than striving for continual improvement.

If perfection is what you are looking for, you are never going to find it. It is inconclusive, and therefore unattainable. Regardless of what you may deem “perfection” now, that image will change when and if you reach it. There is no such thing as perfection, and there never will be.

So then you have to ask yourself again: what is it you are after, and why you want do you want to achieve it?

Behind every story of success, there was a definite cause. And behind every cause, there was a thought. And to know exactly what you really need to do to reach your goals you must determine what thought caused you to want change.

So tell me. Why do you want to change?

We are inquisitive beings by nature. Most of us are far quicker to question the motives of others, when really we should be taking the time to question our own motives. Behind every goal and every action, lies something;  and more often than not, that certain something is some kind of insecurity.

People hardly want to do things “just because”. There is always something that sparked the initial thought.  The only way you can find out the true motive is by breaking down your goal so much that you almost feel as though you’ve strayed from the original idea. For some people, this can lead them all the way back to when they were a kid in kindergarten, or their first relationship. It could lead them back to something someone said to them years ago, or something they read or saw in a movie. It could be anything, really.

Targeting the initial thought can take some time. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to take time for themselves. Everyone is too busy with things they “need to do”, or rather what they think they need to do. Nothing is more important than self-improvement. Without a little soul-searching, we’re as lost as a child on a busy highway. We have a general idea of what we think we need to do to find success and happiness, but spend no time getting to know ourselves well enough to determine whether or not what we’re doing is conducive to our goals. And instead of working on ourselves, we live a cookie-cutter life and battle with constant bouts of negativity and feelings of worthlessness for not being able to accomplish what we want in life, when really we are the only ones holding ourselves back.

Insecurity comes from a decreased awareness of self. There is something broken in the mind to body connection that we are all born with, and it has separated your heart from your body. You feel inadequate when you feel imperfect. While some insecurities are human nature to develop, the stronger the bond between your body and your mind becomes, the stronger sense of self-awareness you possess, and the less likely you are to be self-abusing due to falling short of some idealistic view of yourself. And this is because you no longer have a picture of your “perfect” self in mind when you are working towards your goals. Instead, you have an ongoing mission to constantly improve and move forward.

Perspective.

I don’t want you to look into the mirror and tell me what you see. Instead, I want you to stop what you are doing, and look at your hands. Don’t focus on the physical qualities of them, but rather what they can accomplish.

Stuck? I’ll give you a hint:

Your hands have the power to heal. To love. To lift. To comfort. To embrace. To build. To defend. To help somebody up. To save a life. To hold hands with your partner or child. To write. To speak.

What was once considered to be mere flesh and bone now appears to be a genius invention with endless capabilities.

Once again, the change in perspective is everything. 

Is your body just a body, or is it the home to limitless potential? 

We cannot change through other’s or our own positive affirmations related to how we perceive our physical selves. The only way to replenish your depleted feelings of self-worth is to dig deeper. Look BEYOND the physical. Understand that you are more than your body. You are more than your job, your relationship, your possessions, or your accomplishments. You are yourself. A living, breathing, remarkable organism with the power and intelligence to accomplish anything you want.

The problem with focusing simply on visual body image is that it is only temporary. Looking in the mirror and telling yourself you are beautiful is not going to help you overcome your negativity. While it may lift spirits temporarily for some, you are still too focused on the image of yourself. You are too focused on what you can physically see.

THAT is what prevents you from moving forward.

We cannot see capability. We cannot see accomplishment. That is why we so often hold ourselves back. We cannot see what we can do, and therefore we don’t believe we can do it. Even though it lives inside all of us, like any other belief, it requires faith to accept.

I am not religious by any means, but believing in yourself despite not being able to see what you can do is the same concept.  I believe that without faith in the capabilities we possess but cannot see, we will never progress. If you cannot trust and understand that you can do great things then you will fail to move forward.

Overcoming insecurity doesn’t start with trying to convince yourself that you are worth something when you do not believe you are. It starts with understanding what values and abilities you already have, and building upon them until whatever shortcoming you had previously seems insignificant in comparison. The rest will follow.

A shift in focus is what is needed; and I don’t mean in the way you perceive yourself. Your focus must be placed on who and what you already are, regardless of personal perception. Approach your conclusions with an impartial viewpoint. Think about what you can do and what you have done, instead of what you don’t like about yourself.

When the focus is shifted from unrealistic expectations to improving upon the great qualities you already have, you are able to find balance. You can be free from insecurity, but it starts with trashing your mirror, so to speak.

Just like the scale, the mirror does nothing but give us an image. It speaks nothing of your abilities or value as a person. Your greatest qualities are simply not visible to the naked eye. Knowing that, we understand that the body is simply a shell. Keep it healthy and treat it well, but never underestimate, criticize, or abuse it. And above all else, love and understand what is inside to help your perspective of the outside.

Only when we let go of our focus on image can we develop a more positive one.