Tenacity

16 Jul

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I do not know what drives me at times. I am compelled by a force which I cannot see.

My mind is hungry. My mouth is dry. I cannot visualize, meditate, or retain my anxiousness. I am tired. I am emotionally drained. My chest seems to weigh me down with every breath I take in.

This cannot get any easier.

For fucks sake. Sometimes I wonder if I have set my expectations too high. If I put myself under too much pressure to be great, and make myself believe I am worth more than I thought I was at the lowest point of my life 5 years ago. I look around me and I see success. I see people with the educational background needed to accomplish great things. The resources. The personality. And then I wonder if I was really cut out for that sort of thing. Success, that is.

The last couple of months haven’t been easy. So many different types of stress have been taking their toll on my mind and body. My training has regressed. My energy is low. I’m more spacey and forgetful than usual, and less excited to wake up in the morning.

But I believe it is during our most troubling times that we learn the most about ourselves. When we come to our absolute breaking point, we discover so much more than we previously knew of our hearts and minds. We see what really matters to us. What caused the break. We see our reactions, coping mechanisms, and outcomes. We develop a higher sense of self.

I am at that point in my life right now. Low. Not alone, but lonely. Many “friends” who I believed I could count on were simply not there for me. I’ve worked my ass off, with little to show for it. I’m exhausted from trying to smile and be positive all the time. All I want to do is sleep, and hope that soon I will drift back to normal; whatever that is.

To some I may seem overly-dramatic, or pessimistic. Whatever the case, you can never judge a book by its cover. You never know what someone may be going through. Which is why it is important to choose the kinder route in your interactions with others.. The things you say may be hurtful to somebody else, who may be going through a rough time in life.

Never underestimate another person’s hardships.

I do know that I am privileged just to be alive with a roof over my head, a man who loves me, and some food to eat. But it makes me no less susceptible to feeling defeated, or like I am losing my battles. It makes me no less immune to negativity and doubtfulness. I am only human.

But even though a break seems so far away, I know that it will come. I am so grateful and so blessed to have the few very caring people in my life right now that I do. It’s all about putting one foot in front of the other. I use no one as a crutch, but the extra hands come in handy when you’re having a hard time walking on your own. And life has definitely dealt me some hefty blows as of late.

“Never, never give in.” – Winston Churchill

I guess my ideas might never be worth a million dollars. I may never get around to writing a book like I have always wanted to, or become the best athlete in my field of all time. But I can be me, and I can do my best, and work my damndest to create a better future for myself and my family.

I can get up again and keep pushing, or I can stay on the ground. There is really no in-between at this point.

It’s okay to cry sometimes. It’s okay to be angry, and want more. But remember to follow a breakdown with a good course of positive action.

Wipe the tears. Put on your Batman bandaid. Keep on walking.

Or, you could uppercut Life in the nuts, Johnny Cage style.

JohnnyCagevs.Kitana

Either way – think: “conquer”.

“…In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.” – William Henley

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8 Responses to “Tenacity”

  1. Bill Smith July 16, 2013 at 2:23 am #

    Nice post. Felt that way tonight, to the point that it kept me from my training. 3 am comes early but I will get it done. Keep moving forward!

    Bill

  2. Heidi July 16, 2013 at 2:36 am #

    It sounds like you are going through a tough time. This is a great reminder to always be kind to others because we really don’t know what other people are going through.

    And about your success – I have no doubt in my mind (even though I am a stranger) that you will experience far greater success only because you sound deeply dissatisfied with what you are producing now in your life. It is a person like this that always strives for greatness. It’s tough though. It leaves you always feeling disappointing even though you are doing the right things anyways.

    Take care.

  3. Ellen July 16, 2013 at 6:31 am #

    This resonates with me like you wouldn’t believe. I have been going through a really rough period but from the outside it looks like everything is fine. I am so lucky to have the things that I do but I know I am facing further struggles in order to get to where I eventually want to be. It is hard to deal with and I get frustrated and don’t want to accept it some days but I know that in the end it will be worth it. So I take a deep breath, put a smile on my face (with gritted teeth) and soldier on – with my ever supportive man by my side, helping me back up when i need it.

    Knowing that someone else has these feelings and these doubts but keeps on going makes me feel just that little bit less lonely. So thank you. And keep on pushing on 🙂

  4. Anthony D. Hurst July 16, 2013 at 10:29 am #

    Sounds like you’re going through Hell…so keep walking. I know what it’s like to feel lonely in a crowd. Just remember you’re not alone. I really enjoy finding an “I Lift So I Can Eat” email in my inbox in the morning. You are beautiful and inspiring, and there is no doubt to me when reading your musings that your heart is in the right place. Please keep on keepin’ on. Fight. Fight. Fight.

  5. Joy July 16, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

    Yes, this. “But I can be me, and I can do my best, and work my damndest to create a better future for myself and my family.”

    People are thinking of you Christine! Don’t give up on your dreams!

    Sounds like maybe you need to back off a bit from training so hard? I have discovered for myself that when I feel like that I need to take a break and put the focus elsewhere for awhile… nutrition also plays a huge part in how I feel as well (fwiw)

    But there are no easy answers…
    xxoo

  6. Rahul August 2, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

    I hope things get easier for you, but if you really are as ambitious as you seem to be then you may have to learn to embrace at least some of that dissatisfaction.

    The gap between what you are and what you want to be, I look at that as potential energy. I have no doubt you will transform it into kinetic, but there may always be a gap, and perhaps that is what is necessary to achieve greatness (I think of Michaelangelo famously praying “Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish”…)

  7. Joy August 31, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

    Christine, haven’t seen a post from you in awhile….are you okay? hanging in there? Just know you are an inspiration to me and I’m sure many others!

  8. Nicole November 12, 2013 at 5:03 am #

    I really conncted with this post. Some times trying to fit school work, work, family and training into one day can be almost impossible and I want to just give up everything.I realize this is an old post but it’s a relief to realize someone who is as strong as you has had times when you feel like giving up as well. All of your blogs have been such a motivation and inspiration to me!

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